A Series of Firsts
by bunjamina66
Summary: It's been a funny old week in the Lost City.
1. Monday

**A Series of Firsts**

**By Flossy**

Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fan fiction, and as such is for fan enjoyment only. All recognizable characters/settings are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is made. THEY'RE **STILL** NOT MINE! **WAAAH!** *pouts and kicks her badgers*

Summary: It's been a funny old week in the Lost City.

Central Character(s): Rodney and John, with Aiden, Carson, Elizabeth and Teyla.

Category (ies): Humour, friendship.

Placement: Season One.

Rating: +12 for potty mouths. Naughty, naughty boys…

Spoilers: None but see below...

Author's Note: Believe it or not, this was actually inspired by a Starsky and Hutch fic I read a little while ago. Basically, it was the response of a challenge to write a story using all the titles from the first season. One thing led to another – meaning that my badgers liked the idea and promptly hit me round the head with a loofah until I wrote this. (You really don't want to know why they have a loofah. Some things are best left a mystery...)

And yeah, it probably is a bit pointless, but it's just a bit of fun. Who knows? Maybe someone else will have a go and we can compare.

Episode titles are in bold capitals in case you were wondering. :P As always, special thanks to Moony my beta who has been teaching the boys some naughty language while I was on hiatus. I'll leave you all to read while I chase John and Rodney around with the swear jar.

Enjoy!

* * *

_**MONDAY:**_

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

Major John Sheppard groaned and immediately regretted it as he felt the nausea **RISING** in his throat. Flinging out a hand, he slammed it down on his battered alarm clock, cutting off the shrill noise. He forced himself to take a couple of steadying breaths before attempting to sit upright. Once the room stopped spinning, the young officer flung back the covers on his bed, swinging his legs over the side. His stomach nearly rebelled but he pushed it down as he staggered upright. Blinking to clear his fuzzy vision, he willed the lights in his room down a notch and moved across to his cabinet.

It was at that moment that his shin connected solidly with the skateboard propped up against his chair. Letting out a wail of agony, he clutched at his battered appendage, hopping around on one foot as the pain flared.

Unfortunately, he'd forgotten about the discarded bedding.

His frantic hops brought him into range of the sheets and his good foot got tangled up. With a startled yelp, he crashed to the floor. As soon as he'd gotten his breath back he launched into a tirade of bad language, the deeply personal curses he reserved for his own stupidity.

"Damn stupid bed, damn stupid sheets, ass hat, pigheaded, no good piece of sh..."

He'd been drinking last night with the rest of his team, and judging from how the room was defying the laws of physics, he'd had one too many. Staggering into his shower, he let the hot water wash away some of his aches, sighing contentedly as the urge to vomit up his internal organs passed. Athosian wine was _not _a good beverage to imbibe after drinking copious amounts of beer, he mused ruefully. The mere thought of alcohol triggered his nausea again so he pressed his head against the wall of the shower and breathed slowly until it subsided again.

He was never drinking ever again. Not even a small one, no way, no how, not even if someone was threatening to shoot him. As he stood under the running water, he made a promise to the deities that watched over the skies of the Pegasus Galaxy that not one more drop of alcohol would pass his lips. From this day forward, he was going tee-total.

Well, maybe he'd have a beer in a couple of days' time, once his hangover had abated...

As he dressed, he had a flash of a memory from the night before. The gang had gotten bored watching his football game, so Ford had suggested that they play **HIDE AND SEEK**. The Air Force man snorted, gingerly shaking his still throbbing head. He'd never really understood why alcohol made grown adults want to act like five year olds, but couldn't help the tingle of guilty pleasure at being allowed the chance to just unwind and kid around.

After they'd explained the rules to Teyla - Earth games weren't her strong suit - John and Rodney had ganged up on Aiden. They had explained that since he'd had the idea of playing in the first place, he had to be the one who was on 'seeking' duties. McKay had, amazingly, kept a completely straight face and done a fine job of acting superior and indignant while laying down the law to the Lieutenant. Next to him, John had treated the younger man to his 'I'm your commanding officer' glower and nodded savagely.

Ford hadn't stood a chance.

So, the young man had started to count (albeit woozily) and the others had fled to their hiding spots. Teyla had been the first to be discovered, having not realised in her slightly inebriated state that Aiden could see her legs sticking out from behind the sofa in the rec room. **38 MINUTES** later, the pair found John crouched behind a cabinet, who had then proceeded to accuse them of cheating.

The fact that they'd heard him singing a medley of Johnny Cash songs loudly (and slightly off-key) hadn't even crossed his mind.

Unfortunately for the pilot, although Teyla wasn't as mentally sharp when drunk as when she was sober, she still had the ability to put the fear of God into him. And all she did was smile and ask Aiden if he'd seen her Bantos rods...

Needless to say, Sheppard had lost the argument. After pouting and sulking like a two year old for ten minutes, he gave up trying to win them over and agreed to help look for Rodney.

John smirked as he tied his shoes. The Canadian gave the impression of being useless in the field, but he certainly excelled at Hide and Seek. Eventually, after nearly an hour, they gave up and admitted defeat only to find Rodney curled up underneath one of the tables fast asleep. Although John hadn't wanted to wake his friend up, he knew that the physicist would spend the next week bitching about his back if they left him there.

Without warning, John's alarm clock burst into life again. He grunted and grabbed hold of the small machine, willing the little pixies in his head to quit their hammering for a minute. Repeatedly pushing the off button had no effect whatsoever, forcing the Major to resort to Plan B.

He pulled his arm back and threw the clock as hard as he could against his door.

The plan worked. In fact, it would've been a complete success if McKay hadn't chosen that particular moment to open the door to the pilot's quarters. The clock smacked him firmly in the face and John paled as he heard the sickening crunch of bones.

"Rodney!" he cried, vaulting over his bed to go to the aid of his geek.

McKay let out a pitiful moan as he sank to his knees, clutching his face. Tears of pain were spilling down his cheeks, mingling with the blood gushing from his nose.

"Hey, buddy, I'm really sorry," John said as he batted his pockets, trying to find a handkerchief to stop the bleeding. "I didn't mean to hit you."

"Ow, ow, ow," Rodney moaned, rocking slightly to try and ease the pain. "I dink you broke by dose!"

John pulled out his handkerchief with a flourish, kneeling down next to his friend and trying to pry his fingers away. "C'mon, let me see," he ordered gently.

"Uh-uh!" McKay snapped, his blue eyes full of **SUSPICION**. "You've done enough dabage already, tank you!"

"If it's any consolation, I was aiming for the door," Sheppard replied, pulling Rodney's hands away and inspecting the damage. "I didn't know you were gonna come in."

"Gibbe dat," Rodney snapped, tugging at the cloth. "I can do it byself!"

Knowing that he wouldn't win this battle, John relented and released his grip, watching as Rodney expertly balled the cloth up and tilted his head back. When the Canadian went pale and started to sway slightly, he grabbed hold of the man's shoulders. "Hey, I think you ought to go see the doc," he urged, not liking the way his team-mate was trembling under his grip. "That clock hit you pretty hard."

"Really? I didn't even dotice," Rodney shot back sarcastically, easing the growing knot of tension in John's chest. If McKay was making smart ass comments, he wasn't as badly off as it seemed. "And by the way, dat's the last timb I do anyone a favour." He allowed John to haul him to his feet and help him down the corridor.

"Who were you doing a favour for?" Sheppard asked as he deftly manoeuvred his friend along the relatively empty hallway. "And more importantly, what was it?"

"Elizabeth told be to comb get you," McKay replied weakly, blinking a bit. "You're late for dat cobband staff beeting."

The Air Force man pulled a face as he recalled Elizabeth reminding the senior staff members about the weekly meeting the day before. "Yeah," he said, drawing the word out guiltily, "guess I, uh, overslept a bit..."

"A bit?!"

Any reply from the pilot was lost as the boys pushed through the door into the Infirmary and came face to face with a very angry Carson Beckett.

"What in the name of God have you two done now?" he demanded, his face darkening. "Rodney, get your sorry bum over here and sit down while I take a look."

McKay did as he was told, giving John a glare that would have killed a Wraith. "I didn't do it!" he protested as the Scotsman started fussing and cleaning his now bloody face. "It was the Bajor's fault!"

"I'll deal with him in a minute, son," Carson replied darkly, shooting a black look at Sheppard over his shoulder. He gently began to rinse off the Canadian's face so that he could assess the damage that had been inflicted.

"I threw my alarm clock at the door," John began to explain. "Only Rodney walked in at the wrong time and it hit him instead..." He trailed off at the incredulous looks he received from his two friends. "I used to do it all the time when I was a kid," he added defensively. "Seriously, haven't either of you gotten pissed off with your alarm clocks?"

"Your **CHILDHOOD'S **something I hope you never share with be," Rodney grumbled, wincing as Beckett dabbed a particularly sore spot on his face. "OW!" he yelped, trying to jerk away. "Is there no **END** to your witch doctoring pain?!"

Carson clucked his tongue angrily, tugging McKay's face back around with a little more force than he intended. "If you kindly cease your whining, I'd be done a lot quicker," he growled.

"Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning," John said, giving a low whistle. He flinched involuntarily as the doctor span around angrily. "Hey," he said, raising his hands in defence, "I didn't mean anything by it." He tilted his head, his boyish features full of concern. "Seriously, doc, you okay?"

"Aye, lad, I'm fine," Carson replied with a weary sigh. "Just bloody knackered. I was up until three trying to patch up Sergeant Stackhouse."

The boys exchanged a look. "Wasn't he in for some kind of nasty stomach bug?" Rodney asked nervously.

"Yes he was, and no, it's not contagious."

"I wasn't even thinking it."

Beckett snorted a laugh as he placed an ice pack in the scientist's hands. "Put that on your face while I find you some painkillers," he ordered.

"Is Stackhouse okay?" John asked, glancing around the ward as if he might spot the soldier sticking out of a body bag.

"He's going to be fine, Major," came the slightly muffled reply – Carson had his head stuck in the medical cabinet, rooting around for some pills. "Let's just say that he's learnt his lesson." He reappeared holding the bottle of Tylenol triumphantly. "It's the last time he'll drink the local water while off-world." A mischievous grin crossed his face. "Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase **POISONING THE WELL**, eh?"

John sniggered as he moved across to Rodney, placing a hand on his geek's shoulder. "How're you feeling, buddy?" he asked.

"Like I got smacked in the face with an inanimate object," Rodney replied, but his crooked grin took the heat out of his words. "Next time you're gonna try out for the shot-put, give a man some warning, okay?"

"Right, you," Carson said, placing the pill bottle in McKay's free hand. "Two of these every four to six hours as needed, keep that ice on for as long as possible and come straight back if you feel dizzy or nauseous. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Off you go then. And keep out of mischief!" he called to their retreating backs.

* * *

LOL! My flatmate actually did this to me once and yes, it hurt like hell. *sad face for Rodney* Next chapter up soon!


	2. Tuesday

Hahaha - more epic crack from the depths of my troubled mind... Thanks for the reviews! :D

* * *

_**TUESDAY:**_

"Incoming wormhole!"

Elizabeth Weir raced across the balcony to the control centre, gripping the back of Peter Grodin's chair so tightly that her knuckles turned white. "IDC?" she asked with a frown.

The Englishman's eyes flitted across the display as he waited. "It's Lieutenant Ford," he announced after a terse moment. "But I don't understand – they only left an hour ago..."

"Lower the shield!" Weir barked, already halfway down the stairs. The worry was evident in her voice as she skidded to a halt just behind the armed marines who were on Gate duty. Knowing SGA-1 and their track record for coming back injured, she glanced over her shoulder to Peter. "Get Beckett and a med team in here."

Grodin nodded, already reaching up to his headset.

Two seconds later, SGA-1 came barrelling through the Gate, looking like they'd been running for their lives. "RAISE THE SHIELD!" Sheppard hollered, wheeling around and taking aim with his P-90.

Hearing the barely concealed undertone of blind panic in the normally level headed Air Force man's voice, Peter slammed his hand down onto the console before John had even finished his sentence. The iris gently hummed into life, its multi-coloured surface rippling as something collided with it. Everyone in the room unconsciously winced at the sound.

As soon as the Gate shut down, all four members of Atlantis' premiere away team sank to the floor with relief.

"Major?" Elizabeth asked, kneeling down next to the wild-haired soldier. "What happened?"

"We're not going back there," came the mutinous response from the John Sheppard shaped mud mound. "No way, no how, never in a million years."

"But I thought P6X-777 was meant to be uninhabited..."

"It's not!" Rodney shrieked, on the verge of complete hysteria. He flung out an arm, splattering mud on the floor. "It's not and we're not going back!"

"Easy, doc," Ford panted, resting a soothing hand on the Canadian's shoulder. "We're **HOME** now, okay? They can't get us here."

"Who can't get you?" asked Weir, who was becoming more alarmed by the minute. "What the hell happened?"

"We don't wanna talk about it," John replied quietly as he crawled across the now rather mucky Gate Room floor to check on McKay. "Let's just declare it a bust and move on."

"Tough," the expedition leader shot back, giving her Chief Military Officer a stern glare. "Protocol dictates that every off-world mission must be documented."

"You can take that protocol and stick it right up your..."

"John!" Teyla snapped from her position next to Aiden. "That is not a very nice way to talk to Dr Weir."

The pilot had the grace to look sheepish and nodded. "Sorry," he muttered. "It's just... Can we not talk about it here?"

Elizabeth studied SGA-1 closely. None of them appeared to be hurt (which was a miracle) but all of them were apprehensive and more than a little bit shaken by whatever had happened on the planet. They were also covered from head to toe in mud and debris, and each was soaked to the bone. Nodding, she relented. "Alright," she agreed, "you've got a point. Get yourselves checked out and meet me in the conference room in an hour."

Beckett burst through the doors with his med team. "Alright, who's hurt and how bad is it?" he asked, his eyes sweeping across the floor.

"We're all okay, doc," Sheppard said as he got to his feet. "Just a bit shaken is all."

"I'll be the judge of that," the Scotsman replied darkly before he whisked them all off for a thorough check up.

* * *

Forty five minutes later, SGA-1 were assembled in the conference room having been given the all clear by Carson. Well, he'd cleared them _physically_ at least. He'd had to give John and Rodney some fairly strong sedatives to calm them down enough to be able to examine them without the hysterical yelling.

Elizabeth stared at her premiere away team, not sure whether to be worried, angry or deeply amused. Ford and Teyla both looked like they'd been dragged through a hedge backwards – the Athosian still had a variety of twigs and leaves stuck to her hair, none of which she appeared to be paying any attention to. Aiden, meanwhile, looked like he'd gone body boarding **UNDERGROUND**, what with all the mud and slime coating his uniform.

But it was John and Rodney that really caught her attention.

Having been given said tranquillizers by Beckett, they both looked for all the world like two very sleepy little boys. John had sunk down low in his chair and was glancing around the room owlishly, his hair sticking out at even crazier angles than normal thanks to the ridiculous amount of slime that he appeared to be coated in. Rodney, meanwhile, seemed to be almost nodding off in his chair. His encounter with Sheppard's alarm clock the day before had left him with two whopping black eyes which, combined with his sleepy demeanour and pilfered blanket, made him look like a raccoon trying to hibernate.

She cleared her throat, wincing guiltily when the boys jerked upright. "So," she began, not sure how to broach the subject, "who'd like to tell me just what the hell happened on P6X-777?"

SGA-1 exchanged dark glances.

"Lock it out of the Gate system," McKay muttered. "Mark it as a no go area, forget the damn place."

Elizabeth quirked up an eyebrow. "And why might that be, Rodney? I can't just delete a potential Alpha site just on your say so."

Ford gave a shudder. "Yes you can, Ma'am," he said in a strange voice. "It's no good as an Alpha site anyways."

Dr Weir resisted the urge to bang her head on the table. She instead looked to Teyla, hoping that the young woman might be the voice of reason. "Teyla?"

The Athosian scowled. "It is a most unpleasant world, Dr Weir," she stated calmly. "There are many... issues... with the planet."

"Such as?"

There was a rebellious silence. "Come on!" she snapped, banging her palm against the table and making Sheppard and McKay jump again. "I need details, people! What's wrong with P6X-777? Why are you two in such a mess?" she demanded, pointing at Ford and Teyla before rounding on John and Rodney. "And why did Carson have to sedate the pair of you?"

McKay shrank down so far in his seat that the only part of him visible was from the nose up. Ford and Teyla crossed their arms and glowered.

Trying hard not to start throwing things, Elizabeth looked to John hoping for some semblance of sanity from her Chief Military Officer.

"There were... _creatures_," the Air Force Man said, somewhat cryptically, after a brief pause. "And the weather is just... insane."

"What do you mean by that?" asked Weir, glad that she was finally getting somewhere but not liking what she was hearing.

"The climate of the planet is most peculiar," offered Teyla, wincing at the memory. "I have never seen anything like it before."

"Rodney? Care to explain?"

McKay stared at a spot on the table in front of him. "Well... when we arrived it was sunny and actually quite pleasant," he said in an eerily calm voice. "But after about ten minutes it wasn't so nice." He closed his eyes and a hand appeared from under the table and blanket to rub at his head. "There was some... rain..."

Elizabeth narrowed her eyes. "And what's the matter with rain?" she asked.

"Dr Weir," Ford began, "this wasn't no ordinary rain. This was a... a _torrent_."

There was a sigh from John. "Basically, it went down like this," he said around a yawn so large that Elizabeth thought that his head might split in two. "Everything seemed perfectly nice and safe when we first stepped through the Gate. Like Rodney said, that lasted all of ten minutes. As for what happened next..." he trailed off, scratching his ear lethargically as he thought about the most succinct way of describing what happened, "let's just say that the heavens didn't just open, they exploded."

_Finally, we're getting somewhere!_ Weir thought to herself. "So there was a storm?"

There were nods from the team. "It was unlike any kind of weather I have ever witnessed," the Athosian added after a moment. "And as such, the deluge that we found ourselves caught up in made the surrounding terrain rather unstable." She motioned between herself and Aiden.

"We, uh, that is to say, there _may_ have been a slight... landslide," Ford said, wincing at the memory. "There was a _lot_ of water," he added when he saw the incredulous look that the leader of Atlantis was giving him.

"I see," Elizabeth muttered darkly. "So you're saying that a bit of mud and water is reason enough to lock out the address from the database?"

"There was a bit of wind too," John said petulantly. "Quite a lot, actually."

_I am NOT going to bang my head against the wall_, Weir thought to herself. _I'm NOT.._. Out loud, she said, "_Quite a lot of wind?_ A bit breezy was it?!"

"What my team-mates are trying to say is that **THE STORM** was more of a... well, a hurricane," Rodney muttered, curling up in his blanket at the memory.

"You've got to be kidding me..."

"Nope, sorry 'Lizabeth," John said, grinning in a very drugged way. "It made the one we had here look like a day out at Disneyland."

"Ok, so it isn't exactly Club Med but..."

"You're forgetting the creatures, Elizabeth," Rodney cut in, waving a hand drunkenly. "You can't forget them." He shuddered slightly, gripping his blanket tighter. "I know _I _certainly won't for the foreseeable future."

"Ah yes," Weir replied. "The _creatures_. Let me guess – were they killer rabbits?" She realised that her sarcasm wasn't appreciated by the team when she was treated to several scathing glares and **THE EYE** from McKay. "Ok, that was uncalled for and I apologise," she said, backtracking, "but if I _am_ going to declare the location off limits I need all the details."

Aiden stopped trying to pick the encrusted mud and gunk from his uniform and stared at her. "They kinda looked like... komodo dragons," he volunteered.

"Yeah, like the ugliest crocodiles you've ever seen," John added. "And about ten times as mean."

"They were very fast," Teyla said. "Much faster than your Earth versions."

"How do you know what crocodiles look like?" asked Elizabeth, momentarily distracted.

"Dr Grodin was kind enough to show me a nature documentary," the Athosian replied in a slightly insulted tone of voice. "I was curious to see what animals Earth has. And I can state with authority that the creatures we encountered were much faster and stronger than their Terran counterparts."

"Ok, so you also met some fast, angry, alien crocodiles. How big were they?"

John held his hands out wide. "Big," he said simply, stretching his arms out as far as they would go to try and demonstrate the size of the monsters he and his team had encountered. "Like, _really_ big." He paused for a moment, looking at his still outstretched arms and shrugged. "I'm thinking maybe the size of a small pony at least."

"Dr Weir, these things were insane," Ford said, nodding at John's size description. "We didn't even _do _anything. They just took one look at us and that was it."

"I don't like them," Rodney said in a very small voice, "and they don't like us. Well, that is they probably like us as a meal but they aren't friendly. Did I mention that they had HUGE teeth? They did. They were really, really, really big. Probably snap you in two as soon as look at you. And they're mean. Did I mention that already? They're really, _really _mean. And fast, don't forget that. I've never seen a crocodile move that quick before. Seriously, they were like racehorses, the speed they were going. And they..."

"Easy, McKay," John said, patting his geek on the head gently to cut off the panicky babble. "They can't get you now, buddy."

Elizabeth was now somewhere beyond alarmed. "WHAT?!" she shrieked. "How many were there?!"

"Hundreds," Rodney said automatically.

"Three," Teyla corrected gently.

"Three?! For the love of..."

"YOU DIDN'T SEE THEM!" Ford yelled.

"Lieutenant..."

"Aiden is correct," the Athosian said. "You were not there. You did not see how they reacted."

"Are you seriously telling me that a bit of water and mud and wind and... and three alien crocodiles is your explanation as to why I have to lock out the address for P6X-777?"

"Tell you what, Liz, why don't you go there and see for yourself? Then you can come running back here screaming while we get to say 'told you so'," John snapped. "And don't come crying to us when you get eaten!"

Weir took a deep breath, trying to remind herself that the team were all in varying stages of shock. She wouldn't smack Sheppard for that remark. She knew he was **THE DEFIANT ONE** of the group and was probably just feeling overly protective thanks to whatever it was that they had encountered on the planet. "Okay," she conceded after several moments. "Okay, you win. P6X-777 is now officially on the list of banned planets. I'll get Peter to lock out the co-ordinates."

There was a visible ripple of relief from SGA-1.

"Now go and get some food and get cleaned up." She gave the assembled team another look before adding, "Perhaps not in that order though."

They trooped out of the room and towards hot water.

* * *

"Do you know, I'm convinced that this galaxy has something against us," Rodney said as he picked at the sandwich in front of him. SGA-1 had decided to get clean and warm up before attempting to go to the mess. They all reasoned that it would be safer that way – the last time anyone had gone in whilst being coated in mud/gunk/something unspeakable, the cooks had literally gone bananas.

It had taken three weeks to fix all the damage to the city and for those responsible to be released from the Infirmary.

"Seriously, when you look at it statistically it's amazing that we're still all here," the Canadian continued. He tore off a bit of the crust of his sandwich and fiddled with it.

"What d'ya mean, Rodney?" John asked, sipping gingerly at a cup of piping hot soup.

"I mean if you look at the number of times we've escaped certain death by the skin of our teeth against the number of missions that have been totally FUBAR, for want of a better expression, the figures make for interesting reading."

Ford raised an eyebrow. "Aw, doc, you say that as if _all _our missions go badly."

"You'd be surprised."

Sheppard frowned and looked closely at his geek. He knew that their latest mission had been a bit on the close side but surely not all of them were as bad as McKay made out? He said as much, and then added, "Didn't your mother ever teach you not to play with your food?"

"Sorry?"

The pilot motioned to the small pile of torn up bread that was now covering nearly half McKay's plate. "What did that sandwich ever do to you, buddy?"

Rodney gave a half smile and pushed his plate away. "Look guys, I'm being serious. Do you have any idea how many times we've been ambushed, shot at, kidnapped, nearly eaten by Wraith, trapped, encountered freakish weather, injured and so on and so forth?"

"I would imagine that it is quite a high number judging by how agitated you are by it," Teyla said, placing a calming hand on the scientist's back. "Really, Rodney, you should not make yourself distressed like this."

"I can't help it," McKay replied in a low voice. "I'm telling you, this galaxy has it in for us. It's like we're walking around with massive targets on our backs!"

John couldn't help but chuckle at that mental image. "McKay, it's not as if we're living in a damn **HOTZONE** or anything! We've just had a bit of bad luck of late is all. Things'll change, you'll see." He looked closely at his team-mates – Ford was practically asleep in his chair, while Teyla seemed to be somewhere beyond exhausted. Even Rodney looked tired which, given the man's unusual sleeping habits, was a rare thing indeed. If any of them were feeling as weary as he was, he imagined that they were about ready to drop.

"Bed," he announced abruptly. "Come on, kids."

Groaning, they all pushed themselves up from their seats. As they exited the mess hall, Teyla and Ford went left towards their respective quarters. There were mumbled 'good nights' as the two dragged their aching bodies in the direction of their beds.

John and Rodney went right.

As they shuffled along, Sheppard took a really good look at his friend. The physicist looked wrecked. When he bumped into the wall for the third time, the Air Force man decided to help him along a little. He clamped an arm around Rodney's shoulders and gently manoeuvred him away from any obstacles. "So, what are we gonna do tomorrow?" he asked conversationally. "You know," he expounded, seeing the confused look on McKay's face, "with our enforced down time courtesy of Beckett?"

Rodney shrugged slightly. "Dunno," he ground out around a huge yawn. "Thought I might find a couple of cool Ancient devices to sneakily test out." He looked over to Sheppard as an idea struck him. "Or maybe I might build a go-kart."

John stopped in his tracks, his jaw dropping. "A what?" he managed to ask after several attempts.

"A go-kart," McKay repeated slowly, staring at Sheppard as if he had just fallen to Earth from Mars. "You know, four wheels, an engine, built to race around at really, really, _really _fast speeds?"

"I know what a damn go-kart is, Rodney!"

"Then why are you staring at me as if I'd just told you the love of my life was a Wraith named Sue?"

The Major shuddered slightly at that particular mental image. "Because I never would have pegged you for a petrol head," he replied.

Rodney grinned. "Ah, you know so little about me, Major. I'll have you know that I can build just about any type of vehicle you could imagine. After all, I built a fully functioning lawn mower from scraps in my dad's garage when I was six so a go kart is literally child's play." He paused for a moment, thinking, before adding, "That statement doesn't include a Jumper, in case you were wondering. I can't build those... _yet._ "

John's face split into a grin that made him look like a ten year old. "Would you build _me_ a go-kart?" he asked, trying hard not to start hopping up and down in his excitement.

"I don't see why not..."

"And then if you built another one, we could maybe have a race?"

Rodney started to grin too. "I think I can manage that," he announced.

"I'm thinking we should do that then set up an obstacle course in one of the abandoned labs or something."

The boys both laughed delightedly at that idea. "**BEFORE I SLEEP**, I'm gonna check how many damaged MALPs we have," Rodney said. "Just to make sure that there's enough parts for two karts. I don't want to get your hopes up and not be able to deliver."

John grimaced at that – he didn't want Rodney to stay up all night tinkering with the MALPs just to make a couple of go-karts. "Can you check from your room?"

McKay rolled his eyes. "Major, I'm not _that_ tired nor have I lost all sense of logic. Of course that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to drag myself all the way to the Jumper Bay tonight." He paused as another massive yawn overtook him. "I'm just gonna have a look at the reports and then go to bed."

They set off down the corridor again. When they reached Rodney's room, John followed his scientist in.

"What are you...?"

"I'm just gonna make sure that you do what you said, buddy," Sheppard replied casually. "You need to sleep. Those sedatives were pretty strong and if you fall asleep at your desk, you won't be in any state to tinker tomorrow, will you?"

"You're probably right," McKay conceded, booting up his laptop. "And your concern is touching – in a slightly disturbing way."

The pilot smiled. "Hey, I'm just doing this for my own personal gain," he said, although both men knew he didn't really mean it. "I want a go-kart and that's not gonna happen if you throw your back out."

The Canadian typed something on the keyboard and a series of reports flicked up on the screen. "We're in luck," he said after a few moments. "According to this, there are three unusable MALPs. Which means that we have more than enough parts for two go-karts along with spares for both."

John clapped him on the shoulder gently. "Great," he said, reaching over and shutting the laptop lid down. "Bed, now," he ordered gently.

Rodney didn't need much persuading and as soon as he was settled, John left him. As he climbed into his own bed, he groaned as the aches and pains began to catch up with him. Soon though, the sound of the ocean and the drugs in his system pulled him into a deep sleep.

* * *

Tee hee! Ah, the thought of John and Rodney racing around the corridors in Atlantis is just too good to pass up! Leave me some reviews and you might just get to see the results...

More soon!


	3. Wednesday

Bwahahaha! You guys are the bestest. :D Thanks for all the lovely words of encouragement. I guess you REALLY wanna see the go-karts, huh? *laughs maniacally* Well, look no further - the answers to all your wishes is right here!

* * *

_**WEDNESDAY:**_

The next morning, John wandered over to the Jumper Bay. He hadn't seen Rodney at breakfast and had wondered briefly if the scientist was still sleeping. As it was, he himself had ended up crashing for twelve hours thanks to the combination of the drugs Beckett gave him and the exertions from their off-world mission so he suspected that Rodney was faring the same.

However, that idea went out the window when he bumped into Zelenka. The Czech informed him that Rodney was in the Jumper Bay messing around with unusable MALPs, which made John grin and Radek back away nervously. The wild haired Major gave the engineer a jaunty salute and wandered off, fighting hard not to break into a run in his excitement.

When he arrived at the bay, he stuffed his hands into his pockets and casually sauntered over to McKay, who was half hidden inside one of the broken MALPS.

"What'cha doin', buddy?" he asked.

Rodney jumped, forgetting where he was, and promptly smacked his head hard on the MALP. "OW!" he yelped as he backed out, holding his head in his hands. "Don't do that, Sheppard!"

John winced guiltily. "Sorry, Rodney," he muttered, leading his geek over to a nearby stool so that he could examine the damage. "I didn't mean to startle you." He gently pushed McKay to sit on the stool and prised his hands away. Luckily there was no blood but when he probed the back of the scientist's head, he felt a pretty sizeable lump and got a pained hiss in response.

"Would you stop that?" McKay demanded, moving his battered head away from John's not so helpful administrations. "I don't need you adding to the massive concussion I've just given myself!"

"Aw, ya big baby," Sheppard teased gently. "It's just a little knot. And I really am sorry."

"Was there something you wanted, Major?" Rodney asked, mollified by the Air Force man's apology. "Other than trying to give me a heart attack from sneaking around, that is."

John grinned. "I just dropped by to see if you wanted a hand with the go-karts," he replied. "I'm not too shabby with a spanner, you know." As he spoke. he picked up the aforementioned tool and tossed it idly between his hands.

The Canadian grinned. "As tempting as that offer sounds, there's really no need," he said, gently plucking the spanner from his team-mate's grip before anything got damaged. "They're over there." He pointed across the bay.

John followed his friend's outstretched arm and his jaw dropped. In the corner were two fully built go-karts, just sitting and begging to be tested. "But how?" he asked, his eyes wide. He growled dangerously as a thought struck him. "You didn't start them last night, did you?"

Rodney rolled his eyes, wincing as the movement aggravated his sore head. "Of course not, idiot," he said, his grin taking the sting out of the harsh words. Seeing the dumbstruck look on his friend's face he sighed. "Genius, remember? They're _go-karts_. It's not exactly rocket science."

"Have I told you that you're a total legend?" John asked, smiling like a Cheshire cat.

"Not yet," McKay replied with a shy smile. "Thanks."

"So, are we testing them out or what?"

The Canadian's smile faded slightly. "Well, I'd love to but there's a small problem." He looked down at the floor sheepishly.

"What?"

"I... I don't... have any fuel for them." He wrung hs hands and grimaced. "They're all ready to go but we can't _do_ anything with them."

Sheppard blinked and frowned. "No fuel?" he echoed, his voice sounding hollow. "You mean there's nothing _at all_ on base we could use?"

McKay shook his head sadly. "Unfortunately not," he replied. "The MALPs and UAVs are both battery controlled only and their power sources aren't strong enough to do what we want them to in the karts. We didn't see the need to bring any liquid fuel with us as we had the Naquadah generators and the Ancient technology doesn't use it." He saw the gleam in Sheppard's eyes and shook his head quickly. "And before you ask, no we can't use the spare generators for that purpose. It wouldn't work."

John thumped down onto the stool next to his team-mate, looking thoroughly dejected. "I take it that Z's hooch is no good either?"

Rodney grimaced. "I've already thought of that, Sheppard," he said. "As brilliant as I am, I can't jerry-rig a conversion unit together with the parts that are left. I certainly couldn't make two."

"Hang on..." the pilot jumped to his feet and started pacing as an idea began to form in his mind. "What if we were to attach a fire extinguisher to the back of the karts an aim it so that the nozzle points to the back? We've already got the steering and brakes set up."

McKay tilted his head to the side. "Let me get this straight – I take it that the general gist of how this could work would be that the driver," he waggled a finger between himself and John, "then releases the valve on the extinguisher meaning that the pressure would propel the karts forward?" He imitated the movement with his hands.

John nodded. "Exactly!" he replied. "Basic physics, isn't it? I know for a fact that fire extinguishers are high pressure so we should get some pretty fast speeds."

Rodney's face lit up with his trademark lop-sided grin. "Oh you are so on, Flyboy," he said, any pain from his head forgotten in the excitement. "I take it that we're going hunting for a couple of fire extinguishers then?"

Sheppard gave his friend a feral grin. "I know just the place to get 'em," he said, tugging Rodney upright and leading him out of the bay.

* * *

Two hours, one hugely successful scouting party and a small raid later, and the boys were in one of the corridors with their go-karts. They'd decided to use the hallways by the Chemistry labs as they were wider and longer than most of the others in the city. They were also the quietest as the Chemists tended to stick to their labs during the day.

John knew they were probably going to get an earful from Elizabeth when she found out that they'd stolen the extinguishers from the Botany department. However, as Rodney had deftly pointed out, there weren't that many flowers or plants that were known to spontaneously combust, even in the Pegasus Galaxy. He grinned involuntarily as an image of an exploding cactus appeared in his head.

"What's so funny?" McKay asked.

"Nothing." John replied, shaking his head slightly as he made a couple of final adjustments to his 'engine'. "You ready, buddy?"

Rodney's face lit up with a positively demonic-looking grin. "You bet," he said. "I hope you're not a sore loser."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "Them's fightin' words, boy," he drawled, making his team-mate chuckle.

"And that was the worst imitation of a Texan drawl I've ever heard."

"So, how are we gonna start then?" John asked when their laughter had died away. "I trust you with my life but I don't have that much faith in you starting us off fairly."

"I love you too," McKay groused. "And ditto."

"Maybe we should ask one of the Chemists?"

"And have one of them wanting a go as well? I don't think so, Hotshot." Rodney snapped his fingers. "How about we just see how well they work first? Then we could go down to the East Section and take Ford and Teyla..."

"... Who could be lap scorers and time-keepers!" John said, catching on to his geek's plan. "That's brilliant."

"Of course it is," McKay replied smugly. "I thought of it." He made a final check of his 'fuel tank' and then turned back to his friend. "Ready?"

Sheppard nodded. "Shall we, Dr McKay?"

"Oh, I think so, Major Sheppard."

"On three then. One..."

"Two..."

"THREE!"

The boys simultaneously reached back and released the valves on the extinguishers. A split second later they were both hurtling down the corridor, whooping with delight as the karts were propelled along at a pretty respectable speed by the pressure from the extinguishers. As they reached the corner, they both turned the 'power' off and came to a halt.

"That. Was. AWESOME!" John yelled, laughing like a ten year old.

"It was certainly an experience," McKay agreed, his own mirth echoing around the corridor.

Sheppard looked across at his geek and was delighted to see how happy the man looked. Rodney always looked younger when he smiled – which wasn't often enough as far as the Air Force man was concerned. "What do you say, buddy? Fancy a race back up before we go and round up the rest of our team?"

McKay was already reaching for the valve on his kart. "Way ahead of you there, Major," he replied, turning the valve and racing back up the corridor.

John couldn't help the massive grin that spread over his face as he heard the delighted laughs coming from Rodney. He cranked open his own kart and whizzed back up the corridor to catch up with the Canadian. He tweaked the extingisher slightly and was rewarded with a burst of speed. Unfortunately, he had slightly mis-judged the distance between himself and his team-mate, who had now come to a stop and was climbing out of his own kart. Desperately, he span the wheel around as he reached back to switch his 'engine' off. The result was an impressive looking spin as the kart tried to work out what it was it's driver was trying to do. With an unmanly yell, John slammed his foot down on the brake and skidded to a halt just centimetres away from Rodney.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT, SHEPPARD?" McKay shrieked as he unwrapped his arms from around his head. "Seriously, are you trying to send me to my grave early?!"

Sheppard blinked a couple of times. "Whoa," he managed once the room had stopped spinning around frantically. "That was epic."

"Epically _stupid_," the Canadian huffed angrily, although his eyes showed the concern for his team-mate. He held out a hand and tugged John upright. "You okay?"

The Air Force man treated him to a goofy grin. "I'm fine," he replied. "And what do you mean 'stupid'? I _meant _to do that. Played for and got."

"So that's why you were screaming like a banshee then?" Rodney asked with an arch look.

"I was not screaming. I was... yelling. Manfully."

An eye roll was the only response he got for that particular statement. Feeling sheepish, Sheppard dusted his hands on his BDU's then patted his kart affectionately. "This handles like a dream."

McKay sighed. "Of course it does," he replied with a hint of exasperation. "_I_ built it."

"I think I need to christen her."

"What?"

The Major rolled his eyes, pointing to his kart. "My kart, genius," he replied. "I need to give her a name."

"Why is it a 'her'?" Rodney asked.

"It just is."

"Well, as touching as your bonding session with an inanimate object could be," the physicist said, "we've got places to be and team-mates to bribe. Let's go and grab the others and do this properly."

Before John could reply, the door next to him swished open.

"What the hell are you two imbeciles doing?" demanded a very angry voice.

The boys swivelled round and saw none other than Kavanaugh standing in the doorway, with an expression on his face that not even a mother could love.

"No need to get your panties in a twist," John said as he climbed out of his kart. "We were just having some fun is all. I know it's an alien concept for you, doc, so if you like, I could send for a search and rescue party." He heard McKay snigger next to him.

"I would advise you to test out your childish toys somewhere else," the long-haired man snarled, motioning to the karts with a disgusted look. "Some of us are trying to work." He jiggled a data pad in his hand to emphasize his point.

"You? Working?" McKay asked. "Now there's a novel concept."

"I'm with McKay," Sheppard added, his hazel eyes shining with mischief. "So what're you _working _on, Kavanaugh?"

Before the Chemist could give launch into a tirade, Rodney had deftly swiped the pad from his clutches. He took a couple of steps back, neatly avoiding the desperate swipe, and stared at the display intently. "Working, you say?" he asked, in the tone of voice he reserved for talking to complete idiots. "What, pray tell, what exactly has this got to do with the diagnostics of the desalinisation tanks I asked you to run the other day?"

"That's none of your business..."

"Oh it is," McKay replied, his voice icy. Any trace of amusement from earlier had completely vanished as he scowled at the Chemist. "Especially when you deem it fit to do it on _my_ time." He handed the pad to John and folded his arms across his chest. "Since you obviously have better things to do, I can assume that the diagnostics are completed?"

"Well, not exactly," the chemist replied, flustered.

John glanced down at the pad, his expression torn between amusement and anger. "What exactly is this?" he asked. "And how is it 'work'?"

"We have to keep detailed records of our time here," Kavanaugh began, only to be cut off by McKay.

"By writing your autobiography?!" he snarled, retrieving the pad from his team-mate then shoving it under the long haired man's nose and jabbing furiously at the text. "'**LETTERS FROM PEGASUS** – The Story of One Man's Campaign against Tyranny'?!" he read out loud.

"It's only a working title..."

"Hah! This is confiscated until further notice," Rodney growled. "And if that report isn't on my desk in the next twenty minutes, I'll have you scrubbing the tanks out with nothing but a damn toothbrush! Are we clear?"

"You have no right to speak to me like..."

"I SAID, ARE WE CLEAR?!" Rodney bellowed, making the taller man flinch away.

"Yes, Dr McKay."

"Good. Radek will be in Lab One all day today and he'll be sure to let me know when the report is in." McKay tucked the data pad under his arm and calmly walked off towards his kart.

John had watched the scene in front of him with a growing sense of pride for McKay. He grinned evilly at Kavanaugh, resisting the urge to give the weasel a one finger salute, before trotting to catch up with Rodney. "Nicely handled, buddy," he said, giving the scientist a pat on the back.

McKay grinned. "Now that felt really, _really _good," he replied before glancing at his watch. "How about we grab the others, have some lunch and then nick a couple more extinguishers before we have at it?"

"Sounds like a plan," Sheppard agreed. "But first, can you rig Kavanaugh's shower?"

Rodney stopped pushing his kart to stare at his team-mate. "Of course I can," he replied. "Any idiot with half a brain cell could do that." He noticed the look on John's face and grinned in the 'evil genius' way that made the hairs stand up on the back of the Major's neck. "Pick a number between one and ten."

John blinked, caught off-guard by the odd request. "Uh... two?" he volunteered hesitantly. "But why do you need a number? I thought you'd just pick a day or time, or something."

"Oh no," McKay replied meekly as they resumed pushing their karts. "That's far too simple."

As they walked down the corridor, Sheppard shuddered. "You know what, buddy? I don't wanna know. In fact, the less I know about this the better." He snaked an arm across his geek's shoulders. "Would you _really _make him use a toothbrush?"

Rodney shook his head. "No." He saw his friend start to chuckle and quickly added, "I'd make him use his tongue."

"Ew, McKay! Remind me never to piss you off!"

"In fact, I still owe you for that whole 'alarm clock in the face' fiasco from Monday," the physicist replied, grinning evilly as he saw his team-mate wince. "But that's best left for another time."

"So, how about we head to the mess hall, grab a bite then round up the rest of the gang?" John asked, attempting to steer the conversation away from talk of revenge.

"Good plan," Rodney agreed as they manoeuvred the carts down the corridor.

* * *

Bwhahahahahaha! I love evilgenius!Rodney. *wicked grin* Leave me a review if you wanna see more! :D


	4. Thursday

Yes, this chapter is VERY contrived but I wasn't feeling very imaginative, folks. Please don't hit me. *hides under the table*

* * *

**_THURSDAY:_**

Sheppard, Teyla and Ford were on a mission.

From information received from his many and varied sources, John had learned that it was Rodney's birthday. Although he hadn't known the man as long as some of the other expedition members, he was aware that the Canadian never celebrated. That was something that John intended to change.

They headed in the direction of McKay's lab, looking for their errant scientist. As they approached, Sheppard nodded to his two co-conspirators and schooled his expression. He then swiped a hand in front of the door sensor.

"Rodney?" he called as they wandered in. "You in here, Answer Man?"

"Just a minute," came a slightly muffled reply.

The other members of SGA-1 exchanged puzzled glances as they tried to work out where Rodney's voice had come from. A couple of seconds later, a mop of brown hair appeared from the far corner, underneath one of the workbenches.

"Uh, hi guys," McKay greeted, absently wiping at a smudge of oil on his face. "Something you needed?" He gave them a suspicious glance. "We're not due to go off-world til tomorrow," he said, although he sounded uncertain.

Sheppard bit back a laugh. "No, Rodney, we're not due off-world," he replied, wandering over to his geek.

McKay looked up at his team-mate, his eyes narrowing in suspicion. "Please don't tell me you broke your kart already," he growled.

The pilot rolled his eyes. "No, Rodney, the karts are fine." He hunkered down on his haunches and poked his head into a small enclosure. "What are you doing down here?"

Rodney grimaced. "Fixing one of the ventilation shafts," he said, wiping his hands on his trousers before reaching up to scrub at his hair. He only succeeded in making it stick out at odd angles. "One of the minions decided to see what would happen if they let it suck up a candy wrapper." He let out a long-suffering sigh. "Honestly, some people are too stupid for words." Looking over at the rest of his team as John hauled him upright, he asked, "So what's the emergency?"

"No emergency, doc," Aiden said. "We just figured we'd come and see if you wanted to join us for lunch."

McKay glanced down at his watch as his stomach growled loudly. "I didn't realise the time," he muttered to himself. "Sure, why not? Just gimme a couple of minutes to clean up and then I'm all yours."

Teyla smiled warmly at him. "There is no need to rush, Rodney," she replied. "We can wait."

Five minutes later and the gang were wandering down a hallway.

"Those karts are wild, doc," Ford said, grinning. "If we bust another MALP at some point, would you build me one?"

Rodney chuckled. "I guess that shouldn't be too hard," he said. "They'd be even better if we could find some proper fuel though. Someone's bound to notice that there are numerous fire extinguishers missing from various labs and whatnot."

John laughed. "Yeah," he agreed. "Maybe we can trade for something that'll work? Someone in this galaxy has to have something that'll do the job."

"I believe there are several peoples who use something similar that would meet your requirements," Teyla said. "And it is likely that they will be more than willing to trade for it."

"All I need to do now is bust a MALP," Ford muttered, not quite under his breath. He looked puzzled as the others laughed. "What?" he asked indignantly. "I wanna go-kart too!"

Rodney's mirth died away as he looked around. They were heading to the South Pier. "Wait a minute, this isn't the way to the mess hall," he said, his expression confused.

"Nope," John agreed.

"Then why are we...?"

Teyla opened the door and motioned for Rodney to head out onto the pier.

"SUPRISE!"

McKay blinked as he took in the sight in front of him. The pier was full to bursting with expedition members, all of whom were wearing party hats. "Wh-what's all this?" he stammered.

"Several little birdies told me that today is your birthday, McKay," John said, stepping up next to him. "So I figured that you deserved a party."

"But I don't celebrate my birthday," Rodney said in a quiet voice. He blinked in confusion, shaking his head.

Aiden clapped him on the shoulder. "C'mon, McKay, live a little," he said with a grin. "Even geniuses need to let their hair down occasionally."

"Aiden is correct," Teyla added, resting a hand on the Canadian's arm. "And you deserve this more than anyone, Rodney." She smiled at him. "You work hard so that others' lives may be more comfortable. It is time that we showed you how much we appreciate your efforts."

Rodney looked across to John, his throat tight. He managed to give the pilot a weak smile, which John returned in full.

"I know you don't normally celebrate your birthday and I'm not gonna ask why. It's your choice. But this year, you're having a party." He moved closer to Rodney so that his next words were heard only by the physicist and his team. "You deserve this, buddy. We all owe you one so kick back, relax and eat stupid amounts of cake."

McKay looked back out at the assembled crowd on the pier, catching the eyes of Elizabeth, Grodin, Radek and Carson before turning back to Sheppard and his team-mates. "I... Thank you," he managed. "This is..." he shook his head, smiling. "Thank you."

"Anytime, buddy," John replied, draping an arm around his geek's shoulder. "And now, it's time for presents."

Elizabeth wandered across, holding an immaculately wrapped parcel. She handed it to McKay before giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Happy birthday, Rodney," she said. "I know it's not much, but it's the thought that counts."

"Thanks, Elizabeth." Rodney gently undid the wrapping, ignoring the way that John was bouncing up and down next to him in excitement. Opening the lid of the box, he found a hand-knitted scarf. Taking it out of the box, he looked at Weir quizzically. "Did you knit this?" he asked.

Weir blushed. "Kind of," she said. "Teyla helped me."

McKay felt the soft wool and smiled gently. "It's great."

"Really?"

"Definitely!" Rodney replied, laughing. "I forgot to bring a scarf with me and it gets cold off-world." He glowered at Aiden, who was sniggering. "Well it _does_!" he grumbled, causing further amusement. "I'm not like you macho military types who never feel the cold!"

"But you come from Canada," Ford teased. "You always get snow in Canada."

"Open mine!" John whined impatiently, cutting off the scathing remark that Rodney was forming.

Zelenka and Grodin wandered over to their boss, handing the Canadian a small package.

"Peter and I have... how do you say... clubbed together," Zelenka said by way of explanation when he saw McKay's puzzled look.

"We thought this might be appropriate for you," Peter added, his eyes twinkling.

Rodney opened their present to reveal a small toolkit.

"We figured that you could use something portable for off-world missions," the Englishman continued. "This way, you can take all the tools you need."

"Thanks, guys," McKay said. "This'll come in handy the next time Sheppard decides to get stuck in a room or activates something he shouldn't." He shot an arch look in the Air Force man's direction.

"Funny, McKay," John growled, but there was no heat in his words. "Are you gonna open my present now or what?"

"Mine first," Carson called, jogging across to them. He gave Rodney a quick once over. "How's the head, lad?"

Rodney grimaced but gave the physician a smile. "It's fine, honestly," he said, not wanting Beckett to start fussing over him. "Like Sheppard said, it was just a little knot."

"Glad to hear it. Here you go then." He handed the Canadian his present, smiling as Rodney opened it to reveal a maple leaf sweater.

"Oh my God, Carson!" Rodney shrieked excitedly. "Where did you get this?"

Beckett laughed. "I've been holding onto it for a while now," he said. "I was going to give it to you last year, when we were still on Earth, but I heard you didn't make a big fuss over your birthday. So I kept it til a suitable moment presented itself."

Rodney pulled his friend into a hug. "Thanks, Carson," he said, his words almost lost.

"You're welcome, Rodney," the Scot replied, returning the hug. "And later on, we're going to have a proper drink."

"Would you please open my present now?" Sheppard moaned, making everyone laugh.

"Ladies first," Rodney said, motioning to Teyla who was already handing him her offering.

"I was unsure of what to give you," the Athosian said shyly, "but I thought that this would be the most useful thing."

Rodney stared at the Athosian fire-starter with a beaming smile. He turned the small device over in his palm, admiring the workmanship and fine etchings that adorned it. "You shouldn't have," he muttered quietly, looking up at his team-mate. "Really, Teyla, I can't accept this."

Teyla smiled and pulled him closer so that their foreheads met. "You can and you shall. You deserve to be happy every so often," she said softly before they separated.

"Here ya go, doc," Ford said, handing a plain box over before John could open his mouth. "Sorry it's not gift wrapped." He stuck his tongue out at the feral haired pilot, who returned the gesture.

"All good things come to those who wait, Major," McKay said, laughing as he opened the present Ford had given him. "Oh, Aiden..." he held up an expensive looking Swiss Army knife.

"I know you lost yours back on the planet with the killer crocs," the young soldier said. "So I figured a replacement wouldn't go amiss." He pointed at one of the attachments. "It's even got a tin opener."

"No expense spared, huh?"

Ford snorted. "Only the best for my team-mates," he replied with a cheeky smile.

"Thanks," McKay said simply, returning the smile.

"Anytime, doc. Anytime."

"Would you PLEASE open my present now?!"

The gang laughed at the high pitched squeal from the Chief Military Officer. Rodney looked across at John, fighting hard to reign in a chuckle at the sight of the pilot's impatient foot tapping.

"Okay, okay," he said. "Hand it over, Sheppard."

"Finally!" the Major exclaimed, handing the scientist a present.

McKay regarded the mismatched wrapping paper affectionately before carefully peeling it away. His jaw dropped as he regarded **THE GIFT** his friend had given him. "John," he said quietly. "John, this is..."

Sheppard pulled him into a sideways hug. "You're welcome, Rodney," he said.

McKay looked back down at the present he held in his hand, stroking the soft fur. "It's perfect," he said as he gently held the kitten in his hands. "_He's _perfect," he corrected after a moment. "But how did you know?"

John shrugged. "I know you had a cat back on Earth and I saw the way you reacted when we met these little fellas back on M3X-413," he explained. "So I figured what the hell. I cleared it with Elizabeth and had Carson give this guy a medical to be on the safe side." He reached across to stroke the animal between the ears.

Rodney was speechless. He stared down at the tiny alien kitten and felt his heart nearly burst. The animal mewed quietly and snuggled closer to the physicist. He gently stroked the soft fur, grinning when he heard a purr come from the little animal.

"This is an Elka," Teyla said. "From what the others have told me, it closely resembles an Earth cat." She smiled at Rodney. "They make very loyal pets."

"He sure is a cutie, McKay," Aiden said. "You'll be well in with the ladies with this guy around!"

"Thanks for that, Ford."

"Hey, I'm just saying. You should trade in on it while you can." His cheeks reddened slightly as he admitted quietly, "I know _I _would."

"What are you going to call him, lad?" Carson asked.

McKay thought for a moment, while he regarded the tabby coloured Elka. Green eyes met blue ones and a smile formed on the physicist's lips. "How about... Fidget?" he suggested as the tiny animal began squirming around in his hands.

"I think that's ideal," Elizabeth said, not able to resist reaching over to pet the Elka.

Rodney turned back to John. "I can't even begin to thank you for this," he said quietly. "And I really don't know what I've done to deserve it but..." He trailed off, shrugging slightly. "Thanks."

"You're my best friend," Sheppard replied simply, "and this is what best friends do. Now, let's party."

* * *

Later that evening, Rodney, John and Carson were sat out on the pier with a crate of beer. Teyla and Elizabeth had volunteered to look after Fidget for a few hours, while Ford and a fully recovered Stackhouse made sure that all of McKay's birthday presents made it to the physicist's quarters safely.

Rodney couldn't even begin to find words to thanks his friends. He was still slightly in shock that everyone had found the time to get him cards and gifts, let alone arrange a surprise party on the pier. He took a swig from his beer bottle and gazed out at the ocean.

John and Carson sat on either side of him, all of their legs dangling from the edge of the pier in the moonlight. Sharing a knowing glance, Sheppard and Beckett nodded then turned their attention to the Canadian.

"So then, buddy, did you have a good time earlier?" John asked.

Rodney smiled. "You know, I actually did." He ducked his head shyly and blushed slightly. "And I still can't thank any of you enough for arranging it all."

"Och, lad, don't be daft," Carson said, throwing an arm around McKay's shoulders. "It's what friends do."

"I guess so. I'm not, uh, not so good at the whole friend thing, you know? Don't have much experience in that area."

"Well you do now," John said, giving his team-mate a playful shoulder nudge.

The Canadian looked back at the beer bottle in his hands. "Really, I…" He hesitated slightly, one of his ever-expressive hands waving around in front of him. "This has been one of the best days of my life," he admitted in a low voice. "For years, I've missed out on this. On presents, cards, cake, parties..." He looked between his friends, a crooked smile tugging at his lips. "Today was amazing. I'd forgotten that birthdays were meant to be celebrations."

John and Carson exchanged a glance before the Air Force man wrapped an arm across his friend's shoulders. "Aw, Rodney," he said, "you're more than welcome." He saw a shadow pass across McKay's face and his own softened slightly. "You, uh, you don't have to tell us why you stopped celebrating," he said, "but if you ever do just come and find us."

The physicist let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding. "Thanks," he replied. "I… I can't yet, it's…"

"Aye, laddie, we understand," Carson answered, patting his friend's knee.

Draining his bottle, Rodney plonked it down next to him and scrambled to his feet. "So then, Carson, where's this 'proper drink' you promised me?"

Beckett chuckled. "I thought we'd go down to the Rec Room for that, son," he replied. "We hid some snacks away in there earlier."

"Plus it's got really comfy sofas," Sheppard added. "I don't know about you two, but the floor isn't exactly five stars."

McKay grinned and scrambled to his feet. He then held out a hand and pulled his two friends up. "Agreed," he said once they were all on their feet. "Shall we?"

"Lead on, birthday boy," John said, sweeping his arm out dramatically in front of him and making Carson start laughing again.

The three friends trooped inside to retrieve the bottle of high quality malt whiskey that the Scotsman had managed to sneak in as an additional personal item. As they walked down one of the corridors that held living quarters, Rodney stopped abruptly and stared at his watch.

"Rodney?" asked John, who had walked right into him. "What're you…?"

"Shh!"

Beckett and Sheppard again exchanged a glance. John shrugged his shoulders and looked at his geek.

"Forty-one, forty-two, forty-three…"

"McKay?"

"Forty-nine… Just wait for it… Fifty-three, fifty-four…"

"For the love of God, son, what is going on?" Carson demanded, only to get a hand waved impatiently in his face.

"Fifty-eight, fifty-nine…"

As if on cue, there was a high pitched scream from behind the door they had stopped in front of, following by a variety of curses.

"McKay!" John admonished, despite not being able to keep the grin off his face, "you didn't!"

Rodney laughed. "Oh yes," he replied.

"Do I even want to know?" asked Carson.

Before either of the boys could reply, the door opened suddenly and a furious Kavanaugh stuck his head out. "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!" he screeched, shivering violently.

"What's the matter, doc?" asked John with an innocent expression. "Something up with your shower?"

The long-haired Chemist let out a strangled scream and disappeared again, which only resulted in McKay and Sheppard laughing even harder.

"Would one of you bampots kindly tell me what is going on?" the Scotsman demanded.

"Later, Carson," Rodney managed to gasp out.

"Yeah, doc, we have alcohol to liberate and an Elka to rescue from the ladies," John added.

They resumed their walk.

* * *

Mwahahahahahaaaaaah! DON'T MESS WITH RODNEY AND JOHN! :p Sorry if anyone (namely Rodney) seemed a bit OOC, but I figured it would be fun to work out what everyone would give as presents.

Last chapter is up soon – I think you'll like it. *evil grin*


	5. Friday

And here it is, the last chapter in this particular story - and YES I GOT ALL THE TITLES IN! *laughs in a scary-crazy way as everyone backs off very slowly*

* * *

_**FRIDAY:**_

"Major, we have a problem."

John looked up from his desk to see Rodney standing in the doorway of his office with a grim look on his face. Just behind him was Carson, looking equally worried Something in the physicist's expression troubled him and he found himself on his feet and walking the short distance to stand next to his friends. "Define 'problem'," he said.

McKay looked around for a moment, before leaning in close and dropping his voice to a whisper. "I heard on the grapevine that the cooks have been holding out on us," he explained.

"Holding out how?" asked Sheppard, raising an eyebrow.

"Apparently, they made a batch of double choc chip and fudge brownies yesterday and didn't serve them."

"Aye, lad, 'tis true," Beckett growled. "I'll have their guts for garters, the cheeky bastards!"

"I don't believe this!" the Air Force man snarled. "So let me get this straight – they served us cold rice pudding and stale blueberry muffins while all the time, they've been saving the good stuff for themselves?!"

McKay nodded. "That about sums it up," he replied, his own anger evident. "Don't get me wrong, I kind of like cold rice pudding but stale muffins are an insult."

John looked around for a moment. "Why don't you boys step into my office so that we can discuss this matter in private?"

Once they were all settled, Rodney leant his arms on John's desk. "From what my sources can gather, the cooks have hidden the goodies somewhere in the stores," he explained. "There are always at least two people in the kitchens at all times meaning that simply sneaking in isn't an option."

"What we need is a distraction then," Carson interjected.

"Exactly!" the scientist said with an evil grin.

"Something tells me you've got a plan," John said, recognising the look on his friend's face.

"Oh yes..."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, John and Rodney wandered into the kitchen area of the mess hall.

"Colonel, Doctor," greeted Captain Laverne politely. "What can we do for you? Are you after a snack?"

Sheppard stuck his hands in his pockets and shook his head. "Not really, Captain," he replied. "We're actually not that hungry."

Laverne exchanged a glance with Corporal Reyes before returning his gaze to the two men standing in front of him. "Um... then what exactly do you want?" he asked. "No offence intended or anything."

"We just thought that you might like to know what's going on in the mess at the moment," McKay answered. "I gotta warn you thought, it doesn't look pretty."

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Reyes, obviously confused.

"Why don't you take a look for yourselves?" John suggested, pointing to the door.

Exchanging another worried look, the two cooks cautiously stuck their heads out of the door and saw Carson standing in the middle of the empty room with a large pot full of something.

"What the hell?!" asked Laverne. "Doc, what on Earth are you doing?"

"Thought I'd try a spot of redecorating," the Scotsman replied cheerfully as he hefted a ladle from his pot.

"I should go and stop him if I were you," Rodney suggested innocently, trying hard not to laugh as Reyes got pelted between the eyes with a clump of mashed potato. "Dr Weir might blame the pair of you otherwise." He nodded at John, who gave Carson a signal.

Mashed potato went everywhere as Laverne and Reyes ran out to try and stop the physician. John and Rodney pelted through the kitchen to the stores and began tearing through boxes looking for the brownies.

"Hah!" McKay crowed triumphantly as he held up the rather large plastic container. "Jackpot!" He quickly shoved the box into his backpack before shouldering it.

"Nice one, buddy," Sheppard said, giving him a quick pat on the shoulder. "How's about we load up and help the good doctor out?"

Grabbing a variety of kitchen utensils and random foodstuffs, they pelted back through the kitchens and into the mess hall. Seeing that Carson was putting up a good fight but outnumbered, they quickly upturned one of the tables to create a makeshift barricade.

"FIRE!"

Reyes and Laverne suddenly found themselves under heavy fire. The distraction allowed Carson to nip round behind the boys' fort where he gave them a beaming grin. "Mission accomplished I take it?" he asked.

"Absolutely," Rodney replied, cheering when John got Laverne in the shoulder with an Athosian fruit roll.

"Will someone tell me what's going on?!" the downed Captain wailed as Reyes took a leaf out of the boys' book and turned over a second table.

"We just thought that you needed to be taught how to share, ya Irish git," Carson shot back. "And it's no good denying it. We have credible sources."

"Well, looks like we've been rumbled," Reyes mumbled before sending a volley of bread rolls at their barricade.

"Better call in Teyla and Ford," McKay said as he nailed Reyes on the arm with a well aimed carrot. "I think we need backup."

"Good idea," Sheppard agreed as **THE SIEGE** continued. Once he had radioed for them, he looked across at McKay. "Is the package secure?"

The Canadian grinned at the pilot, laughing as he saw Carson pelt Reyes with some ice cream. "You bet," he said.

Teyla and Ford came running into the mess hall – straight into the firing range of Reyes and Laverne. Before they had a chance to react, they were coated from head to toe in leek and potato soup. Seeing that they were taking fire, John dashed out from the safety of the table, grabbed hold of their jackets and yanked them back down with him.

"John?" Teyla asked, confused and more than a little angry at being drenched. "What is the meaning of this?"

"It's a food fight, love," Carson said, handing her a wad of kitchen roll.

Ford looked across at Sheppard. "Orders, sir?" he asked with a mischievous grin.

Sheppard grinned back. "Carson, you, Rodney and Teyla lay down cover fire. Me and Ford will sneak around and get 'em from behind. Ready?" Seeing the nods from the others, he scooted across to the edge of their shield. "NOW!"

Laverne and Reyes could do nothing but keep down behind their table as all manner of food was flung at them. Both men winced at the impacts, trying to time it so that they could retaliate. When there was a momentary lull, presumably while the others were 'reloading', they took their chances and returned fire.

Carson went down under a volley of cold spaghetti, while Rodney yelped as several apples bounced off his head and arms. Teyla managed to avoid the flurry of peanuts but was caught off guard by a medley of vegetables and went down.

Sensing imminent victory, Reyes and Laverne went to grab more ammunition... and found themselves face to face with Sheppard and Ford.

"At ease, soldier," John quipped, staring meaningfully at the string of garlic Laverne had started to reach for. "Looks like you lost this one."

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD IS GOING ON IN HERE?!"

Everyone froze at the sound of Elizabeth's voice.

"Run?" suggested Rodney as SGA-1 and Carson took the moral high ground and fled.

* * *

_Later that evening..._

After being discovered hiding in Lab One by an enraged Weir, the team had been forced to help Reyes and Laverne clean up the mess hall. Thankfully, the two cooks were smart enough not to mention the real reason for the food fight.

They were now sat in the Rec Room with Carson and Fidget, watching John's football game. The liberated brownies had been worth the scrubbing, they all agreed, although they'd had to keep Fidget from them. As it turned out, the little Elka had a sweet tooth that put even Rodney to shame.

"I still can't believe Elizabeth okayed this little guy," McKay said, laughing as Fidget decided to climb up onto his shoulder and perch there like a pirate's parrot.

"She's a girl," Sheppard said.

"Yes, we're all aware of her gender," the Canadian replied, "but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Girls like cute and fluffy."

"Fidget is really most adorable," Teyla said, tickling the Elka under his chin.

"See what I mean?" John asked. "And besides, like I said, I know how much you've missed your cat."

"Thank you. Again."

"You're welcome." The pilot reached around to stroke Fidget between his ears. "Besides, I'm getting kind of attached to the little guy myself."

"Hey!" Ford said. "He can be our official team mascot!"

Everyone laughed, completely ignoring the football game. "I think this wee thing's a bit young for that yet," Carson said as he got to his feet. "Lads, Teyla, it's been a pleasure but I need my sleep." The Scotsman said his goodnights then left the team to it.

"I think I will also retire," Teyla added as she gracefully rose from where she had been sitting on the floor. "Goodnight."

"Night, Teyla," John said, giving her a small wave.

"Tell you what, after all that action in the mess hall earlier, I'm beat," Ford said, also on his feet.

"You're just a kid, Ford," Sheppard laughed.

"Maybe it's past his bedtime," McKay added with a snigger.

"You two are so funny," Aiden said deadpan. "Seriously, I just can't stop laughing."

"Go on, kid, get," John mock-growled. "See you bright and early."

Once their team-mates had left, John turned back to Rodney with a smile playing across his lips. "This little guy is just too cute," he said, grinning as the Elka batted his nose gently with a tiny paw.

"Agreed," Rodney said. "Sheppard, I can't ever repay you for this."

"It was a present, Rodney. You don't have to." He pursed his lips as he thought for a moment, before adding, "Although it does mean that you're now obliged to get me a really cool present for my birthday."

"I think I can arrange that."

They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, watching the end of the game on the screen. "I uh," Rodney began.

"Yeah, buddy?"

"I just..." McKay grinned embarrassedly as he scooped Fidget up into his arms. "I really, _really_ appreciate this, John."

The Air Force man grinned and looked at his geek. "I know you do, Rodney." He chuckled before adding, "I guess I have a thing about taking in strays."

Rodney frowned then smiled as he worked out what John had meant. "Guess so," he agreed amicably as they both got to their feet.

"So tomorrow," John began as they walked down the corridor towards their respective quarters.

"Yeah?"

"I was thinking we should look for some fuel for the karts while we're off-world? Then we can have a proper race and I can kick your ass."

"Dream on, Sheppard," McKay laughed. "Never going to happen."

"We'll see about that."

"Goodnight, John."

"Night, Rodney."

As he walked down the corridor to his own room, Sheppard couldn't help the grin that spread across his face. His hangover from the start of the week was long since forgotten and he whistled under his breath as he mentally nudged his doors to open. He couldn't wait to find some proper fuel for the karts and have a decent race – and like hell was Rodney going to beat him.

He yawned and undressed before slumping into his bed. He made sure that his wretched alarm clock was set and then snuggled down under his covers.

Life in the Pegasus Galaxy was a lot of things, he thought to himself before drifting off, but it certainly wasn't dull.

-FIN-

* * *

DONE IT! WOOT! Okay, I know some of them were a bit contrived, but it's only a bit of fun. :) For those of you who wanted kart!whumping, watch this space - I have an idea in the works regarding that. :D

Until next time!

Flossy

xxx


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